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(shakes head) Anyway, Tommy Lee Jones has taken over that bank! Be sure to use your machine guns when Bat-Val is sheltering behind something, but throw them away when he's uncovered and fight him in melee combat! MOST ANNOYING GUY IN THE UNIVERSE Omigodomigodomigod this vault is filling with acid! I've got one personality that's a hammy, laughing, unspeakably evil bastard, and another personality that's a hammy, laughing, unspeakably evil bastard! TOMMY accidentally crashes his helicopter against the STATUE OF LIBERTY, which Gotham has? BAT-VAL I guess if Gotham can have Wall Street in "The Dark Knight Rises" it can also have the Statue of Liberty. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT VAL KILMER is inspecting the new projects, and meets JIM CARREY: JIM CARREY (is Jim Carrey) Ohmygodohmygodohmygod it’s Val! I invented this super cool machine that beams television directly into a person’s brain! GOTHAM CITY BAT-VAL arrives at a hostage situation! COMMISSIONER PAT HINGLE (grimly) They won't be complaining about too much colour in a Batman movie in two decades, believe me. BAT-VAL If you replaced all the cash in these deposit boxes with acid, why bother robbing the bank at all? BAT-VAL You'll never get away with this Pink Zebra! We're talking about mid-1990s, low definition, analog TV signals. Thank God that I just happened to glance out the window and I happened to be in a room with windows facing the Bat-signal and that it even had windows in the first place and a whole bunch of other things so I'll shut up now. I feel like I've stumbled onto Vanilla Ice's "Blade Runner". AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOMMY LEE JONES And now to drag this vault through the skies of Gotham by helicopter! Which raises the question of why I don't just drop you. And if you make me your partner then we can be BFFs forever and ever and ever! We're not talking about specially treated signals here. BAT-VAL enters the CONTROL ROOM to find NICOLE and CHRIS suspended over a WATERY GRAVE! Which hostage would you sacrifice to save the other? That sounds more like a rhetorical question than anything. What the hell happened to your "No killing Tommy" stance?
BAT-VAL Actually Batman has been marketed to children pretty consistently for decades, so all you're saying is that you don't know Batman. But is it really that bad that Batman gets a movie entirely aimed at children? WAYNE ENTERPRISES - RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT JIM CARREY kidnaps his boss to perform experiments on him. But also his self-destructive psyche sexually arouses me, so I must pursue him at great risk to myself and others. Someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me, who has long pointed ears and a cape. (beat) Not too sure why I'm on a date with you now, if that's the case. (beat) Eh, I'll just start beating people up as Bruce Wayne. Who just causally drops something like that in conversation? If you stay with me I'll give you one of my motorcycles. TOMMY LEE JONES (is Jim Carrey) Who the hell are you? I just stitched myself a supervillain persona from the bobblehead on my desk! NICOLE KIDMAN Well, the real reason is so we can have Clark Kent/Superman/Lois Lane love triangle-style shenanigans. TOMMY LEE JONES If one of you chumps doesn't admit to being Bat-Val in the next two minutes, I'm going to blow up this entire circus! How am I going to slip out and change into Bat-Val? VAL KILMER Well, I just don't approve of seeking vengeance! JIM CARREY (is less Jim Carrey than before, disappointingly) Did someone say...questions? I'll let psychologist Nicole Kidman explain the situation. How would beaming them directly into the brain improve the viewing experience? NICOLE KIDMAN Wow, it's been more than two decades since this movie came out? Let's see..of him is bright pink...he's covered in stripes... JIM CARREY It also comes with this bulky, silly-looking helmet!